Chocolate Cake Church

Attributed variously to Marie Antoinette, Maria Theresa of Spain, and Jean Jacques Rousseau, this exhortation hurts. It brings into supposed disrepute all purveyors of cakey bakey goodness. Our Church has a view on this.

While Chocolate Cake is a fine food it is a food fit for the worship of The Chocolatey Mistress. It is not a staple food, nor a food to be taken lightly, for it is written “By your cake shall they know you.” Not just “by your cake, but by your words and deeds with cake, for cake is not simply a comestible but an offering of spirit.

It is important, therefore, to understand that, in the context here, saying “Let them eat cake” is a call to the faithful to bake and worship, and is not at all the oddly misunderstood throwaway line squandered so unwisely in days of yore.

Not just “Let them eat cake,” but “Let US eat cake!”

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It came to pass on the second day, for on the second day the Chocolate Cake had matured and was at its peak of perfection, that the Chocolatey Mistress appeared as a vision in the cake. As the vision, perhaps influenced by the fine rum with which the cake had been infused, she uttered some of the many tenets of Cakey Bakey Goodness.

It is those tenets that form the basis of the Grand Baking, and those tenets which must be upheld. Of these, the greatest is: Read More »

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The priesthood gathered today at an emergency Baking to see and consider cake jewels - Edible cake jewels.

Writings in the ancient tablets show that “adding Bling to your Cake” (though the word ‘bling’ is a recent invention) is not unacceptable, though should be confined to special celebration cakes.

Read More »

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The Grand Synod has reached no particular conclusion on the great debate between offering a cake as a “church cake” or offering the cake individually to those who follow the true thoughts passed to us by the Chocolatey Mistress. Perhaps the best answer is one for individual supplicants.

It is advised that Chocolate Cake be brought into as many lives as possible, and that cake is always for sharing:

“Let not a cake be baked that is not fit for sharing and that is not offered to friends and neighbours, for they who bake and do not share shall be struck with obesity!”

Thus it is written on the ancient Tablets.

(3 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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We all know the tell-tale beginning of a good joke: “American scientists have found out…”. But sometimes the joke turns out to be rather bizarre. One of those is the claim that Chocolate Cake is addictive: Reuters: Chocolate cake addiction: it’s real

What the researchers do not take into account is that they witnessed the power of the Chocolatey Mistress Herself. We believers all know how hard it is to resist a piece of Cake when we see or smell it. And our faith reassures us that is right to follow those urges and just have that Cake. But we know it is a spiritual moment, and not an addiction.

At least our church’s legal department is certain that our rights to religious freedom will allow us to have Chocolate Cake, even long after it has been blacklisted as illegal substance.

(1 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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We have been lucky enough to track down this unfaked video of an apparition of the Chocolatey Mistress Herself in a Chocolate Cake. However the pictures show a degree of graphic violence that is quite shocking, and we recommend to not let children watch unattended. Read More »

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Many people who are starting to learn more about our faith, inevitably ask questions about the Chocolatey Mistress. They are not entirely sure what role she takes in our faith, as we call ourselves believers in Chocolate Cake, but do not carry the Chocolatey Mistress in our name. Read More »

(2 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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That’s a headline that sounds too good to be true. But we have found evidence in the digital bit clouds, that Rt Rev Graham James, Bishop of Norwich is indeed a Chocolate Cake worshipper as reported by christiantoday.com:

It was chocolate all the way for the Rt Rev Graham James, Bishop of Norwich, who said his favourite flavour was “chocolate cake, with chocolate filling and chocolate on top”.

What else can this statement be, but a true testimony of his deep rooted faith in the Chocolatey Mistress in all her glory. Read More »

(3 votes, average: 4.67 out of 5)

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There has been some confusion about the spelling of “Chocolatey Mistress”. Some of our members believe it should be “Chocolaty” or even “Choclaty”. So, which is the correct spelling, and what are the global consequences of misspelling Her name? Read More »

(5 votes, average: 4.8 out of 5)

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The question about timing has been brought to our attention by beginning believers. They were concerned if the weekday when you bake or eat Chocolate Cake would matter. I will try to shed light on this apparently important topic. Read More »

(3 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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