Chocolate Cake Church

Yes! Yes! And Yes!

Vanilla cake is an abomination. It’s against nature. It’s an incarnation of the devil. It’s distastefully sweet and should not be considered cake at all. Vanilla, good as it may be, is not meant to be made a cake. Thus has the Chocolatey Mistress decided, and we agree and abide.

We know it looks tasty and delicious, but it only tries to deceive you and get control over you. The first bite will make you wake up from that bad dream and you realise your huge mistake. However the Chocolatey Mistress is forgiving, and she does not hold these sins against you. Her strong recommendation to not have vanilla cake is for your own protection only and no bad consequences but those from the cake alone will come your way.

(3 votes, average: 4.67 out of 5)

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Hot, as one might say, on the heels of the news of the cake burning in Germany, we look at Austria, its smaller and once annexed neighbour for what many see as the ultimate devotion. “How,” they ask, “can any other cake, any other Torte, offer so much to The Chocolatey Mistress? How?” And they bow their heads in silent contemplation of the rich chocolatiness, the apricot tartness, and they wonder.

I have been privileged to partake of Cake at the Hotel Sacher itself. Were The Chocolate Church to have buildings in which to worship, this would be a shrine! And eating the glorious Torte in the premises where it was conceived… Deep joy.

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(3 votes, average: 4 out of 5)

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One of our regular church goers showed me this post about Chocolate as a Teaching Tool

I have discussed this with other priests, and we agreed that the Chocolatey Mistress would be strongly against commercializing Chocolate or Chocolate Cake in order to influence children.

Obviously this is not more than a blunt and transparent marketing scheme to create a very early brand loyalty to Hershey chocolate bars. We think this is unethical and should be stopped.

Leave Chocolate in the cake and the cake in the church, where it belongs.

(2 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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It has come to our attention that Chocolate pornography on the internet is increasing every day, and people start asking questions about that. We think reason enough to discuss some important moral questions. Is Chocolate porn perverted? Is it endorsed or forbidden by the Chocolatey Mistress? Let’s settle this important question once and for all.

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(2 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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Today there will be no sermon. Just let us sing together, and praise the Chocolatey Mistress with this hymn:

(3 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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I am saddened to have to break these news to you, but we have received this report from one of our brethren in Germany. It is sad, it is shocking, it should not be happening in this day and age. There have been Chocolate Cake raids and riots in the streets. Read our eye witness report and decide for yourself. Read More »

(2 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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Can there be words expressing better the feelings that all true believers in Chocolate Cake bear deep in their hearts? I do not think so. And all the more am I moved that this exciting statement does not come from a Chocolate Cake disciple, but a group of young musicians. Read More »

(2 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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Of course true Turkish Delight is flavoured with rose water, but we have been honoured, or will be when a kind soul translates it, to see The Chocolatey Mistress on Oyunzeger Online. The post there says, in Turkish:

Ama ben henüz fanatikçe kendi dinimi yücelterek başka dinleri ezememiştim. Kendi ilahi varlığımın gerçekliğini kanıtlayamamıştım. En ilahi din benimki diye propaganda yapmamıştım. Benim dinime hakaret ediyosun sen! falan diye gaza gelememiştim Sad

Neyse siz tartışırsanız ben yine etrafta olacağım. Chocolate Cake Church’e katılmayı planlıyorum. Chocolatey Mistress’in ne kadar über bir varlık olduğunu yeni yeni kavramaya başladım. Eğer kavga ederseniz gelirim ben yine

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(1 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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A supplicant’s question on this matter was put to the Grand Synod. Their response was simple. This is not a matter for the Grand Synod!

There is a style of Chocolate Cake, known as Chocolate Blobble Cake, which is served hot, with cream. It has an additional coffee based sauce, poured on top of the cake mixture before baking. The cake rises through the sauce, absorbing some, and leaving the cake moist and exceedingly good.

Such cake may be served hot. The cream may be whipped or pouring consistency. It is a good and fit prayer to offer up.

(2 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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It seems odd that one of the main religions on Earth has a literal ‘Movable Feast’ where chocolate is consumed in huge quantities, but Chocolate Cake is not mentioned.

I was discussing this at length with High Priest Theo Broma, and we came to no fixed conclusion. We partook of Cake and considered this.

• Easter appears to be derived from a Cake ingredient - the Egg. This must be so because chocolate eggs are given, received and hunted for.
• There is a non-sequitur, in that the Easter Bunny appears to lay chocolate eggs. It is believed that this is a fertility symbol.

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(3 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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