Chocolate Cake Church

Hmm I wondered. Who is this Heinz, and why is he making gay mayo? Or is he making mayo gay? And how do you tell if mayo is homo or heterosexual. I never paid attention in the shop. Does that mean that I accidentally brought home sexually incompatible mayo? And if you mix mayo and ketchup, do they have to have the same sexual orientation to go together?

Questions and more questions. This is one of many reasons why faith in Chocolate Cake can bring balance and serenity back into your life. Chocolate Cake is just Chocolate Cake. It is asexual - for most people anyway - it is delicious, and Heinz does not make it in either gay or hetero flavour.

Chocolate Cake is the ultimate perfection, it is the refuge for troubled times like these. Go ahead and empty your fridge. Get rid off all the mayo, ketchup, and whatnots in there. Fill it up with Chocolate Cake, and let yourself get carried away eating it.

The Chocolatey Mistress wants you! (in case you are a horny teenager and thus understand this and everything else in a sexual way: the Chocolatey Mistress will appear as whatever sex and orientation suits you)

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I want to share a little story with you, that is part of the Tales of Wisdom collection passed down to us by the Chocolatey Mistress:

Once upon a time, there was a little village called Mai Secuel (in some parts of the country it was called “Mai Es Cue El”). It was a buzzing little place, because the inhabitants provided services to other towns, that no-one else could offer to anyone but kings. They filed papers in enormous warehouses, and even found them again when requested. Being generous and good people at heart, they did it even for free.

So Mai Secuel prospered, and grew. And grew. And grew. And more and more people from all over the country came to Mai Secuel, to have their data stored there. And it could have been a true success story, if not… 

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There is no accounting for what some folks will eat. When there is wholesome, good, nutritious, even erotic Chocolate Cake, why risk the ultimate sexual danger of a pancake?

Take this couple. They almost qualified for a joint Darwin Award! He was cooking pancakes. She was offering a taste test on his personal comestibles!

Teatime love bite

A woman almost bit off her husband’s willy as he cooked pancakes for tea while she gave him oral sex. Read More »

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Do you feel guilty after you had a piece of your favourite and most delicious Chocolate Cake? Are you afraid of what verdict you are about to get from your scale? Just read on and the Chocolatey Mistress will save you and make the Cake experience guilt free again.

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Many people say Chocolate Cake and sports do not go well together. We think the UEFA Euro 2008 Football Championship is as good an opportunity as any to erase this myth, and explain how Chocolate Cake will decide who is bringing the Cup home.

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(2 votes, average: 4.5 out of 5)

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And when there is lack of flour, what do we do then?

When ingredients, as ingredients do, run out, to where do we turn?

Or do we turn inwards and despair?

Today’s thoughts are taken from the first Epistle of Mr Bunn the Baker to Delia Smith.

Delia, when she was delayed, and en route by rail to a location amd having missed her train, tells that she prayed “God, you know what to do. If it is your will then I will arrive on time.” And she reports that she arrived on time.

And so it is with ingredient failure. Read More »

(3 votes, average: 3.67 out of 5)

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Oh my children, what a concept. What harsh words, what a jealous deity that must be. Graven images, Golden Calves, Temples of Baal and all the hideous trappings of a fierce faith and a belief in a vengeful and evil deity; what awfulness awaits those who worship at such an altar.

The Chocolatey Mistress is not such a creature. She is made of kindness, of softness, and yes, in 75% and above chocolate she is made of a sweet rich bitterness, too But she is not vengeful. Read More »

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We are not attempting to mingle science and religion here. Well, at least not much. It’s more a bit of tidbit information on two statements that are famous for Einstein, but which he got slightly wrong because he couldn’t know better. So let us tell you what Einstein - and you - did not know.

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(3 votes, average: 4.67 out of 5)

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We may not be the most modern church, but we are not out of this world. Some of our priests and many people from our community are avid World of Warcraft fans and play it relentlessly … usually while enjoying a piece of Chocolate Cake and enjoying the time they saved by not having to go to church.

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(9 votes, average: 3.67 out of 5)

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“And yet the sweetness dragged me in and beguiled me.” And again “And yet the sweetness dragged me in and beguiled me.” Those are the words I want you to consider. They are the subject for today.

And that, as Chapter three of Heston Blumenthal’s Great Cakes of the World’ has said, could so easily be that, were it not for the chocolate in the icing.

Like you, I have cried “Enough! Enough for I am sated! Speak of these things no more, for all will be lost should you continue!” And, like you, I was lost, and am now found, and now worship at the feet of The Chocolatey Mistress.

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(2 votes, average: 3.5 out of 5)

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