Chocolate Cake Church

Of course God does not refer to the Chocolatey Mistress in this context. She is one heck of a sweet and smart godess. It’s more about all the other so called gods out there.

Have you ever run into a Christian preacher who tries to put their faith down your throat in the most blunt and stupid manner? As if you had never heard it before, and them telling you in as many words as possible will make all the difference. Because they opened their mouth and forgot to close it in time you will renounce your intelligence, your common sense, your Chocolate Cake. Because they spoke you will become a mindless follower? Yea right!

If you are in danger of believing such people, keep this in mind: allegedly their god made men in his image. Do you really want to believe in a superior being controlling your life that is on the same intellectual level as those preachers? A divine dork? A double-D? Yes, I thought not.

Have a piece of Chocolatey Chocolate Cake instead! … For your interest: the Chocolatey Mistress does not frown upon proper application of Chocolate Cake in annoying preachers’ faces. Isn’t our way of conversion just so much more fun?!

(7 votes, average: 3.86 out of 5)

 Loading ...

GOD YES! She does! And what a huge beast it is. You’d have tears coming down your cheeks from just seeing it! What kind of deity would She be if She didn’t have this absolutely necessary and often used tool?!

Let’s face it: in today’s market for worshippers you just can’t win against your competition with “I’m good, believe in me”. You need a spectacular show. You need wonders. You need unbelievable acts. And not even a deity can pull all those out of their hat without a proper Deus Ex Machina.

Read More »

(3 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

 Loading ...

This is a question, that is nearly impossible to answer. It may be that life isn’t sucking hard enough, or not passionately enough. Or it’s sucking too hard and you don’t feel comfortable. It may also be that you are suffering from erectile disfunction. Or perhaps you simply aren’t sexually attracted by life.

Regrettably we cannot help you with any of these problems, but we can assure you that Chocolate Cake is a complete and very satisfactory surrogate. You can have a Cake whenever you want, and it may even be better than sex would ever have been.

Just tell life where it can go and indulge yourself in a Chocolatey Chocolate Cake, praising the Chocolatey Mistress and en passant setting a new world record for the most “Chocolate”s in one sentence, like I just did.

(6 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

 Loading ...

Do you say that sometimes? “I hate life”? Recently we received such a statement from a member of the community. They wanted to know, and I quote:

“Where the hell is the motherfucker who sold me this shit, I want to return it and exchange it for something else!”

Read More »

(2 votes, average: 4.5 out of 5)

 Loading ...

Hmm I wondered. Who is this Heinz, and why is he making gay mayo? Or is he making mayo gay? And how do you tell if mayo is homo or heterosexual. I never paid attention in the shop. Does that mean that I accidentally brought home sexually incompatible mayo? And if you mix mayo and ketchup, do they have to have the same sexual orientation to go together?

Questions and more questions. This is one of many reasons why faith in Chocolate Cake can bring balance and serenity back into your life. Chocolate Cake is just Chocolate Cake. It is asexual - for most people anyway - it is delicious, and Heinz does not make it in either gay or hetero flavour.

Chocolate Cake is the ultimate perfection, it is the refuge for troubled times like these. Go ahead and empty your fridge. Get rid off all the mayo, ketchup, and whatnots in there. Fill it up with Chocolate Cake, and let yourself get carried away eating it.

The Chocolatey Mistress wants you! (in case you are a horny teenager and thus understand this and everything else in a sexual way: the Chocolatey Mistress will appear as whatever sex and orientation suits you)

(3 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

 Loading ...

I want to share a little story with you, that is part of the Tales of Wisdom collection passed down to us by the Chocolatey Mistress:

Once upon a time, there was a little village called Mai Secuel (in some parts of the country it was called “Mai Es Cue El”). It was a buzzing little place, because the inhabitants provided services to other towns, that no-one else could offer to anyone but kings. They filed papers in enormous warehouses, and even found them again when requested. Being generous and good people at heart, they did it even for free.

So Mai Secuel prospered, and grew. And grew. And grew. And more and more people from all over the country came to Mai Secuel, to have their data stored there. And it could have been a true success story, if not… 

Read More »

(2 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

 Loading ...

Do you feel guilty after you had a piece of your favourite and most delicious Chocolate Cake? Are you afraid of what verdict you are about to get from your scale? Just read on and the Chocolatey Mistress will save you and make the Cake experience guilt free again.

Read More »

(3 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

 Loading ...

Many people say Chocolate Cake and sports do not go well together. We think the UEFA Euro 2008 Football Championship is as good an opportunity as any to erase this myth, and explain how Chocolate Cake will decide who is bringing the Cup home.

Read More »

(2 votes, average: 4.5 out of 5)

 Loading ...

And when there is lack of flour, what do we do then?

When ingredients, as ingredients do, run out, to where do we turn?

Or do we turn inwards and despair?

Today’s thoughts are taken from the first Epistle of Mr Bunn the Baker to Delia Smith.

Delia, when she was delayed, and en route by rail to a location amd having missed her train, tells that she prayed “God, you know what to do. If it is your will then I will arrive on time.” And she reports that she arrived on time.

And so it is with ingredient failure. Read More »

(3 votes, average: 3.67 out of 5)

 Loading ...

Oh my children, what a concept. What harsh words, what a jealous deity that must be. Graven images, Golden Calves, Temples of Baal and all the hideous trappings of a fierce faith and a belief in a vengeful and evil deity; what awfulness awaits those who worship at such an altar.

The Chocolatey Mistress is not such a creature. She is made of kindness, of softness, and yes, in 75% and above chocolate she is made of a sweet rich bitterness, too But she is not vengeful. Read More »

(3 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

 Loading ...