Chocolate Cake Church

Ah, the Queen of parodies. I see a little silhouette of a cake.

But to the point. And at once. For my theme is parodies, and I warm to it.

Consider the cake on your plate, and look at it. And wonder. For this cake, if cake it is, may not be the real cake, the true cake, the one true cake. It may be, but it also may not. And in not being, therein lies the paradox.

When you study this cake, noting the pureness, the chocolatiness, the overall dusting of icing sugar upon the dark chocolate icing, are you not aware that this may be the work of the Anti-Choc?

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(2 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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Of course God does not refer to the Chocolatey Mistress in this context. She is one heck of a sweet and smart godess. It’s more about all the other so called gods out there.

Have you ever run into a Christian preacher who tries to put their faith down your throat in the most blunt and stupid manner? As if you had never heard it before, and them telling you in as many words as possible will make all the difference. Because they opened their mouth and forgot to close it in time you will renounce your intelligence, your common sense, your Chocolate Cake. Because they spoke you will become a mindless follower? Yea right!

If you are in danger of believing such people, keep this in mind: allegedly their god made men in his image. Do you really want to believe in a superior being controlling your life that is on the same intellectual level as those preachers? A divine dork? A double-D? Yes, I thought not.

Have a piece of Chocolatey Chocolate Cake instead! … For your interest: the Chocolatey Mistress does not frown upon proper application of Chocolate Cake in annoying preachers’ faces. Isn’t our way of conversion just so much more fun?!

(7 votes, average: 3.86 out of 5)

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This is a question, that is nearly impossible to answer. It may be that life isn’t sucking hard enough, or not passionately enough. Or it’s sucking too hard and you don’t feel comfortable. It may also be that you are suffering from erectile disfunction. Or perhaps you simply aren’t sexually attracted by life.

Regrettably we cannot help you with any of these problems, but we can assure you that Chocolate Cake is a complete and very satisfactory surrogate. You can have a Cake whenever you want, and it may even be better than sex would ever have been.

Just tell life where it can go and indulge yourself in a Chocolatey Chocolate Cake, praising the Chocolatey Mistress and en passant setting a new world record for the most “Chocolate”s in one sentence, like I just did.

(6 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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We have just received news from a trusted source, that the German national football team lost last night’s UEFA Euro 2008 final not because of a lack of talent or ability. Instead it was a terrible messup at one of the team’s food providers.

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(4 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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Do you say that sometimes? “I hate life”? Recently we received such a statement from a member of the community. They wanted to know, and I quote:

“Where the hell is the motherfucker who sold me this shit, I want to return it and exchange it for something else!”

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(2 votes, average: 4.5 out of 5)

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Hmm I wondered. Who is this Heinz, and why is he making gay mayo? Or is he making mayo gay? And how do you tell if mayo is homo or heterosexual. I never paid attention in the shop. Does that mean that I accidentally brought home sexually incompatible mayo? And if you mix mayo and ketchup, do they have to have the same sexual orientation to go together?

Questions and more questions. This is one of many reasons why faith in Chocolate Cake can bring balance and serenity back into your life. Chocolate Cake is just Chocolate Cake. It is asexual - for most people anyway - it is delicious, and Heinz does not make it in either gay or hetero flavour.

Chocolate Cake is the ultimate perfection, it is the refuge for troubled times like these. Go ahead and empty your fridge. Get rid off all the mayo, ketchup, and whatnots in there. Fill it up with Chocolate Cake, and let yourself get carried away eating it.

The Chocolatey Mistress wants you! (in case you are a horny teenager and thus understand this and everything else in a sexual way: the Chocolatey Mistress will appear as whatever sex and orientation suits you)

(3 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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There is no accounting for what some folks will eat. When there is wholesome, good, nutritious, even erotic Chocolate Cake, why risk the ultimate sexual danger of a pancake?

Take this couple. They almost qualified for a joint Darwin Award! He was cooking pancakes. She was offering a taste test on his personal comestibles!

Teatime love bite

A woman almost bit off her husband’s willy as he cooked pancakes for tea while she gave him oral sex. Read More »

(2 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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Do you feel guilty after you had a piece of your favourite and most delicious Chocolate Cake? Are you afraid of what verdict you are about to get from your scale? Just read on and the Chocolatey Mistress will save you and make the Cake experience guilt free again.

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(3 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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Many people say Chocolate Cake and sports do not go well together. We think the UEFA Euro 2008 Football Championship is as good an opportunity as any to erase this myth, and explain how Chocolate Cake will decide who is bringing the Cup home.

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(2 votes, average: 4.5 out of 5)

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And when there is lack of flour, what do we do then?

When ingredients, as ingredients do, run out, to where do we turn?

Or do we turn inwards and despair?

Today’s thoughts are taken from the first Epistle of Mr Bunn the Baker to Delia Smith.

Delia, when she was delayed, and en route by rail to a location amd having missed her train, tells that she prayed “God, you know what to do. If it is your will then I will arrive on time.” And she reports that she arrived on time.

And so it is with ingredient failure. Read More »

(3 votes, average: 3.67 out of 5)

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