Life after Chocolate Cake?
Chocolate Cake, Chocolatey Mistress May 25th, 2008One of the most important questions for any religion to answer, is the one about what will happen to us after we die. We have been asked often if there is a life after Chocolate Cake. I will try to give an answer here.
Chocolate Paradise
The Chocolatey Mistress has given us hints about the afterlife, but not the complete picture. We may know about the random praline, but don’t see the whole box. What we do know, is that there will be some kind of paradise for believers in Chocolate Cake. We are promised 42 different kinds of chocolate, and 7 chocolate virgins (opinions diverge on the meaning of chocolate virginity). It is a land where hot chocolate is flowing down the mountains, and Chocolate Cakes grow in every meadow. The cities are made of chocolate, and the roads are made of pralines. (This part of our religion can even be found in today’s myths, slightly altered, as the legendary land of milk and honey.)
The Road to Paradise
The way to get to paradise however, is not a straight road. The Chocolatey Mistress has outlined that there are several re-incarnations before we reach paradise. The idea is that one has to be reborn once as each ingredient that goes into a good Chocolate Cake. Only thus will we be as complete and whole a Chocolate Cake worshipper as can be. But as there are many different recipes for cakes, not everyone will go through the same incarnations. Luckily most ingredients of Chocolate Cake have no conscience before or after being mixed together, so we do not know about the incarnations we go through. After this long but necessary process we are allowed to cross the River of Chocolate, which is separating this life from the afterlife
… To infinite chocolateyness and beyond!
(4 votes, average: 5 out of 5)
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May 25th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
As a devout supplicant, may it please the priesthood to answer whether my dog will be with me when we have both crossed the River of Chocolate?
May 25th, 2008 at 10:55 pm
I wish to ask the Cakey Bakey Goodness of the Chocolatey Mistress for permission to enter the inner sanctum and sample cake icing make of Venezuelan 95% chocolate.
May 25th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
I’m very sorry, but we cannot accept an informal request about entrance to the inner sanctum. We need forms 7a and 18g filled in. Also to even consider your request you have to provide a section 4 health and spiritual cleanliness confirmation.
Eventually your request will be ritually burnt, so it can fly up to the Chocolatey Mistress for review. Only very few have ever been given the permission, however.
May 25th, 2008 at 11:03 pm
Show me the forms, I entreat you
May 26th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
We may seem like a modern church, but we are very ancient. We are still trying to cope with this new medium, and it will take us some time to transfer the parchments into an online form. I will let you know.